I know I am very late. Sorry Mr Blackstone.
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Consultancy Fees for Staff Training and Development
Our professional fees are based upon the degree of responsibility, the skill involved and the amount of time required to complete the engagement. Such fees are based on various standard charges and reflect different categories of personal.
It is appreciated that we have been invited to submit our quotation for the provision of proper staff training resources to enhance the management skills of your company. Should you require any clarification on any aspect of our proposal, please do not hesitate to contact out head office so that our salesman for your district can make an appointment to call on you.
Obtained from: http://www.editorsoftware.com/images/plain-english/business-letter-example-1.gif
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I got the above business letter when I googled “bad business letters”. I believe this is a quotation to an enquiry from a company providing staff training and I would probably not engage this company’s services after reading this.
First and foremost, I feel that the author can be more courteous and thank the other company for enquiring first then go on and elaborate further on their charges. I think this letter will surprise the enquiring company as the opening paragraph starts discussing about the charging scheme. Although it may be direct to the point, I feel that it is very discourteous. On the topic of conciseness, the letter could be shortened and more succinct. The first 2 sentences could be shortened, translated into point form or may not even be necessary,
The last sentence of the first paragraph lacks clarity, what is meant by “reflect different categories of personal”? I would suggest a graphic or a tabulated rough fee scheme be presented for clarity. Moreover, the vague description of the type of charges lacks concrete. In view of this, I think this letter is incomplete and thus not served its purpose to inform the enquirer.
The last sentence requesting to call on the head office to dispatch the district salesman sounds odd. The district salesman could have possibly directly corresponded to this enquiry instead. However, this business letter, despite its rude tone, is grammatically correct and cohesive.
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Thank you, Elvin, for making this post. The letter that you share with us is, as you point out, really atrocious (so bad it's funny even). Your analysis is highly detailed and accurate in its criticism.
ReplyDeleteYou mention that the letter is grammatically correct. That may be so, but the language use is not good. Look at the first sentence of the second paragraph. That is...errr...not the kind of English that most literate staff trainers would use.